Weddings and Funerals: Changing Relationships with Family and Friends

Most people will say they love their family and closest friends. I’m no different. I love them all dearly. But, like many people, I don’t see them often since we live in different towns, and the COVID-19 Pandemic didn’t help matters.

But hasn’t it always been that way? In the olden days, people either stayed in one town their whole lives or ventured off to the wild frontier, only communicating in letters. Back then, moving away might mean never seeing family and friends again.

At least in more modern times, we have phones and other electronic ways to communicate—if and when we make time to reach out.

Family trees

My core childhood memories include time with my family on both sides. I remember spending time with my cousins, aunts, and uncles at my grandparents’ houses.

The Easterling side

I have/had four first cousins on my dad’s side, three older and one younger. I probably spent the most time with my younger cousin, Clint, since we were less than a year apart in age and went to school together, him a grade behind me. When I was a senior and he was a junior, we had our one and only class together: Art.

I idolized my two older female Easterling cousins, Kaci and Traci. They were cool teenagers who watched music videos on MTV at our grandma’s house. Traci’s older brother, Todd, would tell me stories about my dad, his cool uncle Doug. Todd performed my wedding ceremony, making it really special. Sadly, he passed away unexpectedly in June 2024.

My dad had three older siblings: Howard Jr., Ron, and Mary Jane. Dad passed away in 1985 when I was four, the same year as his father, Howard Sr. I’m grateful to have memories (although limited) of both great men.

While my dad couldn’t attend my significant events in person (I’m confident he was there in spirit), my family—our family—showed up for him and me. They were present for holidays, high school and college graduations, and my wedding.

My grandmother, Pearl, lived until March 2004. I got to see her the weekend before she was hospitalized and became unresponsive before her death. Her last words to me were, “I love you. Don’t worry about me.” I shouldn’t play favorites, but she was my favorite person in the whole world at the time. Her funeral was the first I attended, having been too young or upset to attend previous ones. When I moved away for college, Meema Easterling would write letters to me at least weekly, and I’ve saved all of them. She would also call me every Saturday morning, much earlier than I liked to get up. I always took her calls and then went back to sleep.

My uncle, Howard Jr., died recently in October 2024. I always referred to him as Uncle Junior. When I was a kid, he told me never to give up my dream of being a writer, and I never forgot that. My last novel, When Does Life Begin?, was dedicated to him and my mom.

The Russell side

Like my dad, my mother, Opal, had two brothers and one sister. Terry, her older brother; her younger sister, Diana; and her younger brother, Perry; have all passed away. As with my dad’s family, the youngest sibling, Perry, passed first in January 2012. Terry died in January 2013. Diana, to whom I was closest, died in September 2018, and I officiated her celebration of life.

I have/had six cousins on that side, four older and two younger. Adrian, Tara, and Terry Allen came before me, so I have the most memories of them growing up, spending time at Granny and Grandpa Russell’s house. Mycheal and Ashley are the youngest, so I saw more of them when they were really little and before they would remember. I’m sad they didn’t get to know our grandparents, Erple and Willie, who died in February 1993 and June 1994. Tara passed away of COVID complications in September 2021.

Interesting fact: My great-great-great-grandfather was Dr. Thomas Russell, for whom Russellville, Arkansas, was named.

The Campbells: my adopted family

My mom married Ronnie Campbell, one of her best friends from high school, in late 1985. With him, I gained an older stepsister, Daniell; a younger stepbrother, Brian; another grandmother, Ruby; an uncle, Don (who later married Jacqueline); an aunt, Renee; and eventually six cousins (three are younger than me, and two of them were born in the 1990s). I also gained my younger half-sister, Kelli, in 1987. Brian married and gained two stepchildren, then had two more before he and his wife divorced.

Grandma Campbell treated me like another granddaughter. I was at her house with Daniell the night Kelli was born, which was also the night I lost my first tooth in an accident. I saw some cousins during different holidays, but none of us were close.

We lost Ronnie in June 2009 and Grandma Campbell in October 2018.

Interesting fact: Two of the stepcousins are also distant cousins on my mom’s side of the family. They are blood-related to my mother and me because their mother (who married into the Campbell family as my mom did) was. From what I understand, their maternal great-grandmother and my maternal great-grandmother were half-sisters.

Marrying into the Collins Family

When I married Jonathan in 2005, I gained a mother-in-law and father-in-law, two brothers-in-law and their wives, four nephews, and two nieces. The family grew when we added our children, Douglas Andrew, in 2008 and Meredith Pearl, in 2012.

The nieces and nephews have all married, and Jonathan and I now have five great-nephews and five great-nieces (some by birth and some by adoption) as of 2024.

Family closeness (or proximity)

Some families are closer than others in terms of relationships and proximity. These aren’t mutually exclusive. Family members who live thousands of miles apart can have better relationships than others who live in the same town.

Based on my observations, when the family group’s parents are gone, the siblings and their children sometimes scatter and become their own family units, and so on. Maybe there are occasional gatherings for holidays, not as frequent as before. Other families stick together and continue the traditions set forth by the parents. Some only see each other during weddings, funerals, or maybe a family reunion down the line.

Depending on the family’s size and how the offspring form their own families, the group can grow exponentially or remain stagnant (when only children marry only children who have only children, for example). Most people can go back a couple of generations to find that their grandparents had many siblings.

Why do some families have better relationships than others?

I wish I had a better answer than “just because.” I think it’s a personality thing sometimes. Sharing a name or blood or a house doesn’t make people have personalities that mesh well. There are plenty of families I’ve encountered who are estranged from one member or the other.

I know of a man who spoke frequently with two siblings who lived in other states but rarely spoke to a brother who lived in the next town over. There was no great falling out that he could recall; it was the way it was.

My mom was super close to her sister, so I was close to Aunt Diana, too. They spoke on the phone daily and went shopping together at least twice a month. Mom loved her brothers just as much, but we didn’t see them as often after my grandparents died.  I should add that Aunt Diana lived less than five miles down the road from us, while her brothers lived in different towns, though less than an hour away.

I saw my grandparents often when I was a child. I went to their houses after school at different times. I also spent some time at each home during the summers before I was old enough to stay alone. Everyone lived close by.

My kids see Jonathan’s parents more often because we live in the same town, while my mom lives 80 miles away. We visit, or she does as often as possible to maintain good relationships.

I’ll admit that I don’t see my siblings often. None of us live in the same town. I text them and send birthday and Christmas cards. I’d say I’m closest to Kelli since we grew up together full-time. Of course, I also moved out when she was 12 since I am six years older. We don’t hang out or talk every day. There were some squabbles when we were kids, but we get along well now.

My kids aren’t super close, but they don’t actively hate each other, either. Who knows what their relationship will be like when they both move out of the same house?

Dividing factors test our ability to agree to disagree

Money, politics, and religion can quickly divide a family. I’ve witnessed people fighting with their siblings over money deemed part of an inheritance. It’s a sad situation.

And I don’t think politics have ever been as ugly as they have been in the last three presidential elections. There are times I wish we could just fire everybody and start over. Maybe show some basic human decency and not hate the other candidate. I’ve seen so much hatred coming from both sides, and it has to stop before something implodes.

My thoughts on religion are complicated, but I try to respect the religious beliefs of others as long as they are not harming someone I love.

Friends: Our chosen family

Humans aren’t made to be alone. Between family and friends, most people seek togetherness in some way. Babies in daycare start to bond with other babies before they are a year old. These young friendships often don’t last as children grow up and move on to different schools for K-12.

In elementary, middle, and high school, our friends are our lives. We need friends to share good times and bad. These friends become our family if we’re lucky, but not all friendships are built to last a lifetime.

Seasons of change with friendships

Do you have a friend you’ve known since kindergarten? Were you always BFFs, or did the relationship change over time? If it changed, are you closer now or before graduating high school?

I have a handful of friends from high school I reach out to occasionally and one I’m in contact with regularly, mostly via text. I love these friends dearly and think of them often, even though we rarely see each other. Two friends have now lost their mothers, and I made the trip to attend their funerals. Living in different towns creates some distance, and we’re all busy with our families. It’s just the season of life we’re all in.

What about college friends or people you met at work? Did you keep in touch after college or after you left the job? I have a few who meet me halfway with keeping in touch. I value the friendships and genuinely love these people.

Adult friendships can be difficult. Some adults are busy working on their careers. Adults who are parents are busy taking care of their children and may only see other parents they may or may not get along well with. Having a best friend with kids the same age doesn’t always mean the kids will be best friends, too. And sometimes spouses don’t get along, so “couple friends” doesn’t work out either.

And then there’s the sandwich generation who cares for their parents while still caring for their children. It’s exhausting (and often lonely).

There can be someone you love so much that you include them as an attendant in your wedding only to have them fade away from your life later.

Picking up right where you left off

Some friendships are lucky enough to stand the test of time. The relationships ebb and flow, of course, but the friends can eventually pick up where they left off after the kids are grown. After spouses pass away. After friends move back home, wherever that may be. After the busyness of life slows down.

Knowing when to let go

Unfortunately, some friendships don’t last forever, even when we want them to. I had to stop trying with a friend I loved dearly. After years of being the only one reaching out, it just became too exhausting to keep chasing a friendship that meant more to me than it did to them. I’m not angry about it; I’m sad.

A couple of other friends I think would have lost touch with had I not reached out. I’m glad they were receptive and saw that my efforts were genuine.

So, when should you stop trying to keep a friendship alive? When you’re exhausted. When (if) they ask you to stop. When you just can’t anymore. Sometimes, you just have to focus your energy on those who want your company.

Keeping everyone in a basket (or a friend list)

With social media, it’s easier than ever to keep in touch with people. We can keep everyone in a basket and visit their profiles to see what they’re doing. We can react to their statuses and photos, call them, or send a direct message. We can share significant events in our lives and count the congratulatory reactions or expressions of sympathy. We can laugh at the silly things their kids or grandkids do.

We can also keep people on social media we’ve never met in person or don’t remember meeting. We can befriend friends of friends. But are these people really friends? If we saw them at Walmart, would we approach them or act like we didn’t see them and go in the opposite direction? It’s an interesting phenomenon.

In conclusion: Enjoy the weddings and share memories at the funerals

To summarize my rambling thoughts, I think there are times and situations when we have to accept quality over quantity in our relationships. Those we don’t see often, maybe only at weddings and funerals, can be shown all the love we can give when we’re together. And when you miss someone, reach out. Call, text them, or send a card email or USPS. Remind them you care.

Thanks for reading

-Brandi Easterling Collins

Cover image designed by freepik.