Sex

Six months in: General updates

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As of yesterday, it has been six months since I launched this blog. What an amazing experience. Since then, 717 unique users have viewed 3,890 pages in a total of 1,470 sessions. These users viewed My Love History the most, followed by All I know about my dad, and I grew up feeling ugly. Most users are from the US, but there are also several other places represented such as the United Kindom, Austria, Germany, and Italy. Thank you all for reading.

I have utilized my previously unused Twitter account @caniscareyou and went from 1 follower to 541 as of this evening. There’s a neat network of fellow indie authors out there and other interesting people. I participate in writing hashtag games and spread the word about my YA book, Caroline’s Lighthouse, and my upcoming adult novel, Jordan’s Sister. I learn more about other independent authors and writing contests.

Caroline’s Lighthouse is selling. I will get my first modest royalty check at the end of February. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, the book signing I had scheduled for this coming Saturday had to be cancelled. I will let everyone know when it is rescheduled. The reviews have been positive. Here’s what people have said:  Continue reading

My biggest fear

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Fear. It can be crippling. It can also change as we age. What’s your biggest fear right now at this moment? Will you have the same answer tomorrow?

When I was little, my biggest fear was abandonment. After my father passed away, my mother remarried the man who would end up raising me and shaping my life in ways I didn’t know were possible at the time. I was only four, which is how old my daughter is now. I didn’t understand everything that had happened. I just had a fuzzy memory of my mother holding me over the side of my father’s hospital bed and telling me to say goodbye. I hadn’t said anything; I’d just waved. Waving instead of speaking is something my daughter does sometimes when she’s apprehensive about something. She’s afraid of the dark and worries when she thinks I am mad at her.

Not long after my mother and stepfather got married, I began having a recurring nightmare. I think I was about six when it began and it happened several times during the next few years. I dreamt about having to go hunting with my stepfather, just the two of us. In the dream, he made me stand under the water in a creek so that he could stand on my shoulders and look for deer through his binoculars. When I couldn’t hold my breath any longer, I pushed him off my shoulders, and he fell into the water and hit his head on the rocks. He wouldn’t wake up. At that point, I would always wake up crying. Pretty twisted for a kid’s dream, huh?

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Love: It’s All the Little Things

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I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. Mainly what it is and what it means to me.

I just submitted my novel, Caroline’s Lighthouse to the publisher and it has a love story in it with a pretty sweet declaration of love. Actually, it has more than one love story in it, just not all of them are as obvious. My novel in progress is a love story too, but one character takes a little while to figure it out.

Scientists will tell you that love doesn’t come from the heart, it is a chemical reaction in the brain that causes the feeling of love. The reason the ancient poets and philosophers coined it as an emotion of the heart is that when you actually feel love, you can feel it deep in your chest. The exhilaration of it, the rapid heartbeat, and the excitement of it. Sometimes love is excruciating and causes the deep aching, burning, searing pain also known as heartache.

I’ve written about love before. What I wrote about my husband: There aren’t enough words or enough days left in my life to ever finish my thoughts on how much I love him. In other words, there are big reasons and so many little reasons I could never have a complete list because new items would get added every single day.

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